guinness is good

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Since we’re winding down our time here, our list of things to do and see is longer than when we came, which is further evidence that the more you see in life, the more you want to see.  We’ve been cramming in trips wherever we can and since we will never live closer to Ireland than we are now, I thought that I would take the boys over for a long weekend to say hello to our distant ancestors.

When I was looking at hotels, I somehow convinced myself that booking a room above a pub was a good idea.  Here was my thought process the night I booked the room:  ”Hmmmm.  I will be in Dublin by myself with the boys.  I should book someplace where I can get beer easily, since I’m sure I’m going to need it after dragging the Ruckus Brothers around town for 4 days.”

Let’s just say, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

When we arrived in Dublin and made our way to the hotel, I had a bold realization the moment we arrived.  It was:  ”HOLY SHIT I BOOKED A ROOM FOR ME AND MY KIDS ABOVE A PUB!”  Sometimes I forget that I’m not in college anymore.

In any case, the woman at the desk took pity on me as we checked in and changed my room to the farthest away from the pub, which was kind, although the building was not large and so the farthest away was not much farther than the original room.  As my consolation prize for a dubious choice of hotel, I was serenaded to sleep by a very large crowd singing a stirring rendition of “Danny Boy”.  I had tears in my eyes that night, but not because of the emotional nature of the song.  Luckily my kids are very heavy sleepers.

We filled the next three days with many great things including, but not limited to:

  • a tour of the Kilmainham Gaol (interesting fact: the location of many extremely important moments in Irish history, including the execution of many notable leaders of the Irish rebellion)
  • the Little Museum of Dublin (interesting fact: a new museum in Dublin telling the history of the city through artifact donated by citizens)
  • the Dublinia – the Dublin Viking Museum  (interesting fact: when the Vikings came to raid Ireland, the place they landed was in such bad shape that they named it Dublin, which means ‘black poo’)
  • the Dublin Zoo (interesting fact:  it’s the place where the original MGM lion lived)
  • a tour of the Guinness Brewery (interesting fact:  Guinness IS good, especially in Dublin)

When we asked about getting fish & chips in Dublin, Burdock’s Fish & Chips was the main recommendation.  And, as luck would have it, Burdock’s was within sight distance of our hotel/pub.  We had imagined that we would go out for a nice dinner there, until we arrived, only to realize that Burdock’s was a true fish & chips shop, with only a counter, no tables and a huge line.  We had plenty of time to consider what we were getting, but even plenty of time could not change the fact that the heavenly smell of fried fish & chips wafting at me completely muddled my brain.  That, and I did not have my logical partner (Tim) with me.

When it was our turn to order, I barely considered that two of the three people in our crowd were children and I placed an order that was fit for a full rugby team.  As soon as our food was ready, the people around us started looking to see who was with us to help us eat it all, but I just ushered my children out of the shop, their arms dragging with heavy bags of fish, chips, onion rings and lots of extra garlic mayo.

Like every very good parent does when faced with a load of fried fish and nowhere to sit on a chilly night in Dublin, I brought the kids back to the hotel/pub and we spread it all out on the slightly less than clean carpet in the room.  To be fair, I considered letting them eat their fried fish on the beds, but given the amount of grease that was seeping through the newsprint wrapping the fish, it made me believe that eating on the floor was a better option, grimy carpet and all.  These are tough choices to make.

Here is the photographic evidence of that gluttonous evening, shabby lighting and all:

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I realized when we were in Dublin that it was the first time my kids had been in an English-speaking country in over two years.  At one point, Owen wanted a glass of water at a café where we were eating and I told him to go ask the server for it.  He was hesitant to ask, but when he did, the woman smiled at him and said, “No problem.  I’ll bring it right over.”

Owen arrived back at our table and said, “Things are so easy in Ireland.  They just give you what you want and they don’t say ‘no’ first.  I love it here.”  If that isn’t a testimonial to the lacking customer service in France, I’m not sure what is.

On the last night we were in Dublin, we went out to get a burger (and a pint) at a recommended pub and we found a good seat and sat down.  Shortly afterwards, when the giant projector screen lowered right in front of our table, I realized that we had accidentally claimed the best seat in the house for the Manchester United vs. Real Madrid soccer match.  We stayed for as long as we could handle the noise level and I can assure you the fans were only too happy to see us go.

That night back at the hotel/pub, the crowd below serenaded me off to sleep by singing, “Whisky, You’re the Devil.”  That night whisky would have been an angel.

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chandeleur smack down

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I’m sure there is a tv show in here somewhere, especially since nearly anything passes for good tv these days…………………

Several weeks ago the holiday Chandeleur came around again.  I’ve mentioned it before – but last year we kind of missed it due to the stomach bug.  This year, determined not to miss it again, I assembled the goods for the crêpe celebration.

Since arriving in France, I’ve acquired a few specialty pieces of cookware, one of them being a very nice cast iron crêpe pan that I bought in Brittany last year.  This pan is beautiful, made in France and weighs about ten times more than the average French dog.  I’ve used it many times, with mixed results, since I’ve never figured out how to get it to heat up uniformly.  Of course, I’ve never considered that operator error could be a reason for my many failed crêpe experiments and I would certainly never blame it on the pan.  Instead I blame it on my erratic French stove.

The night of Chandeleur, I invited Mme Mossot to come celebrate with us and when she arrived she had her own crêpe pan in hand.  Unlike my fancy, modern pan, Mossot’s pan looked like it was from the turn of the century.  It had seen decades of crepes and was so light and thin that I felt like I should be able to see through it.  To be kind, I put Mossot’s pan on the stove next to mine and told her to take a seat while I started the crepes, not intending to use her pan at all.  As the guest, she received the first crêpe (made on my crêpe pan), which was my greatest mistake of the night.  Everyone knows that the first crêpe is the worst crêpe (like pancakes) and although Mossot was eating happily, she started offering up plenty of crepe-making advice to me.

After finishing her crêpe, I told her to stay put at the table, but Mossot completely ignored me and made her way into the kitchen.  Shoving aside my fancy pan, she pulled out her pan and took over the stove.  Before I knew it, she was dishing up beautiful crepes left and right – all with her own pan, putting mine to shame.

But the best part of the night was the end.  Part of the tradition on Chandeleur is to flip a crêpe in the air from the pan and get it to completely flip over and land back on the pan, all while holding a coin in the other hand.  If you can complete this task, it will mean that you have good luck for the year.  If you don’t, well………….I guess you could try again next year and hope for the best.  To finish the evening, Mme Mossot took her crêpe pan and flipped a crêpe, coin in hand, with no sweat at all.  When challenged with the same task with her pan, my crêpe landed face down on the floor.  And with my pan?  I couldn’t even lift it with one hand to flip a crêpe.

Moral of the story:  massive cast-iron crêpe pans are for tourist who know nothing about French culture and the need for good luck on Chandeleur.  I went out and bought a light crêpe pan the next day.  There is no need to suffer for luck or good crêpes.

This is the massive box of fancy French chocolates the City of Paris gives to all the elderly citizens each year for New Year’s.  Mossot was kind enough to give us the ones she couldn’t eat (or didn’t like).20130429-122021.jpg

Update:  My bike is back and in working order!  No, we don’t have a Trader Joe’s in France.  C’est genial!20130429-084452.jpg

a bright yellow bike

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I knew that if I were to (eventually) realize my dream to live in a biking community (like Amsterdam), I would need the right wheels to enhance my lifestyle.  No, I’m not talking about a Vespa, I’m talking about a velo hollandais.  But here’s the truth:  cargo bikes (or velo hollandais, meaning bikes with both back and front racks for carrying groceries, etc) from the Netherlands are EXPENSIVE.

I have a very old Gary Fisher hybrid bike that I’ve had for years and I bought when I was living in DC to commute to work.  For the record, this bike is still going strong, although it could use new brakes and a full-tune up.  It’s an around town bike, particularly useful while riding fast though the Chateau park, trying to avoid the sanglier (giant wild boars that roam free here) on days when signs like this are posted:

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I love my old bike, but it is not the same as a cargo bike.  I never debated getting rid of it, because it’s been such a good friend to me, but instead I had the idea to turn old hybrid a cargo bike by tricking it out with attachments and gadgets, while I waited to buy the real deal.  Should be an easy story, right?

Sometimes my stories work better as bulleted list, because the ridiculousness spans such a long period of time and it would be very hard to describe in another form of narrative.  So here it is the cargo bike timeline:

Spring 2011:

  • Visit Brugges, Belgium and stare, unblinkingly, at nearly every cargo bike with panniers in sight and convince myself that a nice set of panniers mounted on my hybrid will be enough, since buying a new bike is so expensive.
  • Buy set of bright red panniers.

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Summer 2011:

  • Recognize that to mount the panniers on my old-school hybrid, I need to buy a back rack.
  • Search at store and find rack that I think will work.
  • After mounting the rack, put the panniers on and take a test drive feeling slick.
  • Get about a half-mile from my house and realize that the panniers don’t work because my feet are too big and every time I cycle around with my foot, the pannier is bumped or lifted up.
  • Come home and try to slide the panniers back further to no avail, recognizing that I may have bought the wrong type of rack and also recognizing that this is France, where returns are very hard.
  • Practice trying to pedal my bike while keeping my feet perpendicular to the ground at all times so that my feet don’t touch the panniers.
  • Recognize that this is impossible.
  • Consider getting foot surgery to make my giant feet smaller.
  • Recognize that it will be both expensive and painful.
  • Take off panniers and sulk.

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Fall 2011:

  • Take my bike to local bike shop and ask for their advice about my panniers.
  • Am convinced by staff there that, indeed, I have purchased the incorrect rack and they have the proper rack that will work.
  • Pick up my bike at bike shop a week later and walk it home (since I am with my kids and we’re on foot), joyful that I am closer to the cargo bike dream.
  • Get home and try out the bike, and rejoice because it works.
  • Decide to take a bike ride with Tim and the kids the next day and load up my panniers with snacks for the trip.
  • Get about 5 miles from home when I realize that loaded with stuff, my panniers are shifting forward and hitting my giant feet.
  • Get angry.
  • Get frustrated.
  • Try to pedal with my feel perpendicular to the ground up a hill.
  • Loose Tim and kids in the forest because I’m going so slow.
  • Ride around in circles lost for what seemed like hours (about 15 minutes).
  • Finally find Tim.
  • Yell at him for losing me.
  • Pedal home by myself telling Tim and the kids to have a good bike ride.
  • Try not to be bitter and angry at the bike shop for selling me a shit rack.
  • Blame massive feet for another bad bike rack investment.
  • On the way home, consider foot surgery again.
  • Get home, take off panniers and sulk.
  • Give up on panniers and dream of cargo bike.

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Spring 2012:

  • Visit Amsterdam and spy so many cool cargo bikes.
  • Feel the cargo bike dream re-awkening.
  • Get home, face reality and recognize that I cannot justify buying a really expensive bike and I can’t seem to find a used one.
  • Sulk.

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Summer 2012:

  • Recognize that getting a bike basket may be the only way to add cargo-style properties to my hybrid bike.
  • Go to bike shop and buy bike basket.
  • Feel satified that I can finally carry bread on my bike without it getting stuck in the spokes.

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Winter 2012:

  • Take a trip to Strasbourg and see many, many hipsters riding a different style of cargo bike – retired bikes from the French postal system, La Poste.
  • Become entranced by hipsters and La Poste bikes and recognize that the cargo bike dream is not dead after all.
  • Come home from Strasbourg and troll the internet for used La Poste bikes.
  • Find a few in faraway locations and try to convince each seller (in far from perfect French) to ship a bike to me.
  • Am roundly met with rejection each time.
  • Finally find a bike being sold about an hour from my house.
  • Have a nice interaction with a (very, very patient) man selling it.
  • Plan to time to see the bike.
  • Convince Tim and the boys to come on a ‘nice drive’ to look at it, despite the fact that it is freezing and raining sideways.
  • Arrive at destination and scoff at Tim’s suggestion that I take the bike for a test ride.
  • Ridicule my husband for being practical.
  • Recognize, with assistance from seller, that the bike is in need of serious work and therefore is not rideable in its current state.
  • Buy the bike anyway.
  • Load the bike on the car with assistance from Tim, knowing that he recognizes there is no arguing with me once I’ve made up my mind on an impractical purchase.
  • Upon arrival at home, do a proud jig around my house and sit on my out-of-order bike with a huge smile.
  • Send pictures of my new bike to friends and family and get little response.
  • Wonder if my family and friends think I’m insane.
  • Decide not to care.

So that is the story of how I came to own a bright yellow, La Poste cargo bike.  I also found a teenage boy who was willing to fix it up for me on the cheap.  I’m still waiting to get it back, but I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.  The red panniers are sitting in the garage waiting to be placed correctly on this bike.  Definitely no more bread in the spokes with this thing.

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the real adventures of a fake prostitute

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I’ve recently decided to nickname our camping car June Bug, since it reminds me of those harmless but floundering giant bugs that stick to your screens every June – big and lumbering, even in flight.  It took me quite a long time to figure out why nobody here had ever heard of a June bug before, although they clearly exist because I’ve seen them with my own eyes.  It turns out that in France these bugs are called May bugs, since the climate is slightly warmer, which adds a new layer of complexity to the language barrier.

In any case, I love June Bug, but I don’t really like driving her around town because, well, she big and lumbering and very unlikely to fit into a tiny French parking space.  So I try to reserve my time behind with her for either road trips or times of absolute necessity.  A few weeks ago, when I needed to get groceries and Tim had the car, I had no choice but to take June Bug for a drive.

When I arrived back home, there were no parking spaces directly in front of our house, where we usually park, so I had to park around the corner.  As I was getting out of the van, a neighbor who I had never met, came out of his house and started screaming at me in French.  It was hard to make out exactly what he was saying, but I could tell that he wasn’t happy about the camping car parked near his house.  He also said something to the effect of, “This is a NICE neighborhood and he even went as far as to ask where I lived.”

I had to restrain myself from flipping him the bird (which doesn’t look exactly the same as it does in the US, in case you’re wondering) and I was thoroughly confused by his anger.  It wasn’t until later that evening that it dawned on me:  he thought I was a prostitute.

There are basically two kinds of prostitutes in France.  The lone wolf types are the ones who stand on forest roads in all sort of weather with short skirts and thigh-high boots.  These women are hearty and diligent and they are on the forest roads at all times of the day waiting for the next skeevy guy to pull up.  They often try to look busy by chatting on their cell phones or pacing back and forth, as if in an invisible cage.  As far as where these women go when a customer pulls up, your guess is as good as mine.  There are often empty cars at these spots, so it would appear that the women take their customers into the woods for the services.  Awkward at best.

The second type of prostitute is the one who brings her own wheels.  She also works the rural and forest roads around Paris, but without the agony of standing out in the elements.  This type of prostitute is usually wasting time in the front seat of her van, reading a book or checking her email, waiting for Mr. Right, or more likely, Mr. Painfully Wrong.

What type of vehicles do the majority of the prostitutes around Fontainebleau drive?  As it turns out, the majority of the prostitutes drive vehicles that look somewhat like this:

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You guessed it.  A camping car, fully loaded with a bed.

I’m pretty sure my neighbor thinks Tim is my pimp too.

I just added the picture of the guy dressed as a drop of blood because I thought it was funny and I felt like I needed to end this blog post with some other than the mental image of me as a prostitute and Tim as my pimp.  Hope you have good night.

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what’s in a name?

Don’t worry, you are in the right place!!

I’ve decided to change the name of the blog well in advance of our move back, so that it is not quite as ‘living in France’ centric which will make it easier to keep going.  If you visit the old page, you should be redirected automatically to this page.  Sorry in advance for any confusion!

 

a rambling tale of strasbourg and a bear named Otto

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Christmas Markets + hot wine; promise me those two things in one location and I’m there.  In this case, that location was Strasbourg in mid-December.

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Right before Christmas, we jumped on the fast train and rocketed down to soak up the local color and drink our fair share of vin chaud in Strasbourg.  With a name like Strasbourg, doesn’t it seem like the city should be located in Germany, rather than France?  I think so, but although I was born with a directional and geographical disability, I found out that I have the ability to become more adept at geography when it benefits me.

When I think of the term “Christmas Market” the image of little old ladies knitting mittens is the first thing that pops into my head.  The second thing that pops into my head is realization that those hand knitted mittens, although often cute, never, EVER, keep your hands warm.

Getting off the train in Strasbourg, I was surprised not to be assaulted by mittens, but rather I was greeted by every type of Christmas trinket available.  Sadly, nearly none of it was handmade and virtually nothing was even made in France.  From the original product perspective, I would say the markets were a bit of a bust, unless your sole purpose was to expand your collection of mini figurines to surround your model train setup.  But once I determined that there were few goods I really wanted to buy, I changed my focus to determine which market stall had the best vin chaud (hot wine).  Hot wine tastes much better than it sounds, since it has spices in it to make it taste delicious.  Since each stand seemed to have their own recipe, I had to try them all.  In the end, there was no clear winner – it was all good.

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While we were there, we also found out that the Tomi Ungerer museum was located in the city.  What?  You don’t know who Tomi Ungerer is?  Have you ever read The Three Robbers?  It’s one of few children’s books which includes a blunderbuss, a pepper-blower and a huge red axe.  It is also a book that will most assuredly scare the shit out of your small children (especially if read in a deep voice in a dark room).

This is a magazine with an article about Tomi Ungerer that I bought while in Strasbourg (notice on the cover under Ungerer’s name his quote is “it is necessary to traumatize children” – maybe I like him so much because we share the same parenting philosophy):

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Tomi Ungerer has been one of my favorite authors and illustrators for nearly my entire life, starting with the original version of “Flat Stanley” (written by Jeff Brown and illustrated by Tomi Ungerer).  Seriously, who doesn’t dream of becoming flat and getting mailed to California?  I still dream of doing that.  Or maybe I will mail myself back to France once I finally leave…..

This year in school, Owen’s class read Ungerer’s classic “Otto” which is about a stuffed bear that was owned by a Jewish boy during WWII.  I won’t tell you how it ends, but I will tell you that it is not an easy read.  Don’t let the fact that the main character is a stuffed bear fool you; Ungerer is nothing if not a realist.

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In any case, once we found out that the Tomi Ungerer Museum was located close to our hotel, it was on the top of our (read: my) list of things to do.  I was so excited to go to this museum that we ended up arriving a bit early for the daily opening and I found myself nearly climbing up the giant metal gates and screaming like a groupie.  Once inside, we found a treasure trove of antique toys (Ungerer’s personal collection), as well the original illustrations to most of his books.

As we entered the top floor of the museum, Owen spotted the original stuffed Otto across the room and he ran toward him.  In French museums, it is extremely normal to ignore all rules.  In our two years here, I have witnessed untold numbers of people taking pictures of things in museums, even when they are literally surrounded by giant signs forbidding photography.  When Owen asked if I would take a picture of him with Otto, I did a cursory glance around the room to see if there were any signs forbidding photos and not seeing any, I took out my camera and snapped a picture.  As soon as the security guard, who was chatting around the corner, heard the shutter click, she rounded the corner and gave me a severe reprimand for taking a photo where they were not allowed.

In the past I would have been horrified for getting busted, but I’ve perfected my “c’est comme ça” look and I flashed her a shrug.  Even Owen wasn’t phased by her.  He tends to be the (only) rule follower in our family, however he whispered to me as we walked out of the museum, “I don’t care that we got busted.  At least we got a picture of the REAL Otto.”

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In celebration of our illegal Otto picture, I suggested we go drink some vin chaud (with chocolat chaud for the kids).

team mossot

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I know that I’ve made no secret about my desire to find an elderly friend in France.  I also know I have written a few times about the elderly woman who lives next door to us, Mme Mossot, however I haven’t given her nearly enough time on the blog to accurately represent how important she has become in our lives in France.  If you don’t remember the stories about Mme Mossot, she’s our 85-year-old next door neighbor who first wrangled the wild kittens living in our garden and after that, she convinced us to adopt JJ (I just can’t bring myself to call him Justin), our massive French street cat.

The history of Mme Mossot is as long as her long life and I could write a two part book about her.  Part I of the book would be about her past life as an artist, an art journalist, an interior decorator, and an animal crusader.  Part II of the book would be about our interactions with Mme Mossot and it would read something like Tuesdays with Morrie, with a lot less death and a lot more quotes and advice. Mme. Mossot is a highly opinionated woman and although I love her for it, but I can guarantee that it’s much easier to be friends with her than to be related to her.

In the early fall, there was a special exhibition in Paris that Mme Mossot wanted to attend and I promised her that the kids and I would go with her.  The exhibit was at the Musee D’Orsay and it was called Misia.  Misia was the muse and benefactor to many famous artists in France in the early 1900s and this exhibit pulled together all the paintings of Misia made by all the famous painters she knew throughout the years.  

Since Mme Mossot lived in Paris most of her life she knows the city very well and when she told me it had been a couple of years since she had been to the Orsay, I believed her until we got to the door.  At that point, I suspected that it had been a little bit longer than a couple of years when she tried to show her French senior citizen’s card to the security people at the entrance of the museum as if it were the ticket desk.  She also tried to write a check at the desk to buy the tickets and although there is still an affinity for check-writing in France, the young man looked at her like she was from another planet.

Part of the reason that Mme Mossot was so interested in seeing the Misia exhibit was because her husband was the nephew of Pierre Bonnard, a famous French painter.  Bonnard was one of the primary painters at the Misia exhibit and when we entered, Mme Mossot started pointing out Bonnard paintings that she had seen before in her life at Bonnard’s house and at other shows of his.  It had always been clear to me that she has lived an exceptionally interesting life, but that day at the museum further reinforced my belief.  

The exhibit was great, and afterward Mme Mossot told us she’d like to take us out for gouter at the new restaurant that had opened at the Orsay.  Once we were seated at the restaurant, we scanned the menu and each ordered a dessert-type snack.  However, as soon as Mme Mossot’s ice cream arrived, she called the server back over to the table.  Apparently the menu had promised a praline cookie on the top of the ice cream, but when the ice cream arrived, the praline was nowhere to be found.  Mme Mossot complained to the server about “false advertising” the server gave her the classic French eye roll and told her they had run out of cookies.  After the server left, Mme Mossot told me that she was a “crusader for the tourists” in Paris who don’t know that they are being taken advantage of by the French and who don’t have the ability to speak up about it.

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Being a tourist can be hard, especially when you live in a foreign country and have a tendency to feel like a tourist all the time.  I’m just glad to know Mme Mossot’s got my back.    

Here is the picture of us in Paris that Mme Mossot took:

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life plans

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It’s hard to believe that we’ve been in France for almost two years and unfortunately, our time is approaching its end.  We were originally scheduled to be back in the US in February, but luckily for us, Tim was granted an extension until the summer so that the kids could finish the year of school and I could have more time to figure out what I’m going to do when I get back.  I’ve been thinking of my best options, so I just thought I’d share a few with you and get your input:

IDEA #1:  American Girl Doll Exporter

I’m not a girly girl and although I had my fair share of Barbies back in the day, I was a bit more interested Barbie’s VW van than her high heels.  Some things never change.  And no matter how many times I read, William’s Doll to my boys and told them I would buy them a doll if they wanted, the only doll that ever gained any traction with them was an antique Cabbage Patch Kid named Xavier that once belonged to my brother.  My kids are the apples that have not fallen far from the tree of me.

Just before Christmas, I was walking outside of school when I happened to overhear a mother say something about needing to find an American to help with a Christmas present.  I didn’t know this mother very well, but since I am both nosy and an American, I decided to butt in and offer my services, although I had absolutely no idea what she needed.  As it turns out, American Girl Dolls are not just popular in America – they are also popular in France and as I learned that day, impossible to buy here.  According to this mother, they are only available in the US; no international shipping, no purchasing through Amazon.fr, no access at all unless you are either on American soil or have a US shipping address.

A big thanks to my mother for getting involved in this situation since,  although I am American, I am living in France, which makes sending things by mail from the US exponentially more difficult.  Only an American would promise things on which she was unsure if she could actually deliver…….

I have realized that in the US, we usually say ‘yes’ then we say ‘no,’ whereas I’ve learned that the French generally start with ‘no’ and stick with it.

Could the exportation of these dolls be a career path for me?  Is it completely legit?  I’m pretty sure that the answers to those questions would be ‘no’ and ‘no’ again, but someone should consider this, since there is apparently an entire continent of girls here dying to take their dolls to the fake hairdresser.

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IDEA #2:  Nun Candy Exporter

For several summers of my childhood, my parents had a business that was located directly across the street from a penny candy store.  The people who opened it didn’t have many other customers than our gang of friends and since it was the 70s I’ve imagined since then that they were likely selling something else out of the back of the store to make ends meet.  But in those years, my love of pure sugar candy (not chocolate!) was born.

Within the first few months of living in France, Tim happened to stumble upon a small store in a very quaint town and when he came home, he said, “You MUST go there.  It will end up being your favorite store.  They have candy.”  Tim knows me well and when I did drive over there (the very next day), I found the perfect French version of my favorite childhood shop, but rather than selling candy dots, they were selling sucre d’orge.

Sucre d’orge is essentially barley candy made with the natural sugars of barley, rather than the corn syrup version of barley candy that is found in the US.  Sucre d’orge was originally made in the 17th century by Benedictine monks and it still shaped, as it originally was, in the shape of a triangle (or trinity).  I started calling it ‘Nun Candy’ because of its religious origins and when I eat it, I feel better about myself, which I’m pretty sure is what church is supposed to do for you, isn’t it?

Do we need religion as more of a topic of conversation in the US and would my business of bringing Nun Candy to the masses make the things better or worse?  You decide and let me know.

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IDEA #3:  Fondue Pot Exporter

I love fondue – cheese, oil, chocolate, I don’t care.  I love it all.

A few years before moving to France I really wanted to serve fondue on Christmas Eve and the only thing standing in my way (besides affordable Gruyère) was my flimsy enamel fondue pot.  Was my old dingy pot up to the task of being the proud receptacle for that special holiday meal?  Apparently not, since only moments into my search on eBay, I came across what I considered to be the Cadillac of all fondue pots, Le Creuset.

I became fixated on the Le Creuset pot and then I proceeded to spend an hour (or 8) trolling on eBay trying to win auction after auction, with no luck at all.   My dreams of melted cheese for Christmas were nearly dead.  I could never go back to my shabby pot and with only two weeks until Christmas, I decided to make one last effort at the pot of my dreams.

One night I stayed up until 1am (on a work night), waited until the very last moment (as advised by my friend), and placed a large bid – one that was way above the going price.  With only seconds to spare, the auction automatically went up and up, until the poor other schmuck bidding against me, ran out of time.  I finally won the fondue pot!  I will not divulge the price I paid that night, but it was well worth it, given that my other option was a nervous breakdown.  Mental health = priceless.

In any case, I received my bright orange fondue pot just in time for Christmas and we used it then and many times since.  In fact, we’ve used it so much since then, that it was the first thing I put in the box when we were having out stuff shipped over from the US.

Prior to our move, I was well aware of the French love of all things cheese, but I was not aware of the fact that the French treat fondue pots just like they do in the US – as stuff to be sold at yard sales and given to junk shops.  The main difference between the US and France in this case, is that while the Americans are getting rid of thin enamel pots at their yard sales, the French are getting rid of Le Creuset fondue pots.  SUPER JUNK SCORE!  Especially since my junk hunting skills are very sharp (example 1, example 2, example 3, example 4).

My interest in fondue pots has gone from a holiday obsession to a virtual sickness, since all Le Creuset pots cast off by others are readily welcomed into my home.  At first I thought that I might need another pot or two, just in case I had a larger fondue party at some point.  And when I added a couple more, I thought I might be able to issue an invite to my extended family as well.  After two years here, I am nearly ready to invite my entire town in Vermont over for fondue, I have that many pots.  It is so hard to pass these things up, when I usually find them for less than 1€.  Yes, that does say 1 euro.  I’ve promised them to friends and family upon our return, but I think I may have a few left over…..

Should I stay in France and consider becoming a full-time fondue pot buyer and exporter?  Or should I just amass so many before I leave that I need another shipping container and then I can spend the rest of my life selling them on eBay?  Could it work as a career plan?

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IDEA #4:  Blogger

It seems like this could work if the following things were true:

  • Anyone beside my mother read my blog
  • I had real people making comments on my blog who were not related to me
  • I posted more than once every couple of weeks
  • I had some companies who would give me money to write this kind of drivel
  • I had some sort of cool contest or giveaway sponsored by some amazing company, or at least a big box store.

A likely career path?  Probably not.

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Immediate Plan:

So, here’s my newest idea, in an attempt to get a couple more people to comment on this blog, I am sponsoring my own giveaway.  There is no Home Depot Gift Card and no iPad, but instead you can win something even better.  You can win a genuine ‘used’ Le Creuset fondue pot, straight from France and a very nice box of Nun Candy.  How’s that for my attempt at masquerading as a real blogger?

Here are the contest rules, made up by me as I’m writing this:

  1. You have to be willing to wait for your fondue pot/Nun Candy until the summer/early fall, since I will be happy to pay for shipping them to you, but not from France, only from Vermont once I get back there.
  2. You must live in the US (not sure I can afford international shipping on these things – heavy!).
  3. I can’t guarantee that your fondue pot will be orange, but I can guarantee that it will be nice.  It may or may not come with fondue forks, since nice forks aren’t as easy to find.  I can, however, guarantee that the Nun Candy will be tasty.
  4. In order to enter, you just need to make a comment on this blog about why you should win the fondue pot/Nun Candy and/or leave me career advice.
  5. The contest is open from now until my feet touch American soil in August.  How’s that for a large window of opportunity?
  6. To pick the winner I will use what all the other cool bloggers seem to do and put all the comments into that random number generator, so be sure to include you email address when you submit your comment (but don’t expect to hear from me for at least 6 months).  Either that, or I will do eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
  7. If you are a family member or friend who already knows he/she is getting a fondue pot, pretend that you’re someone else and leave a comment anyway.  I can use all the help I can get.
  8. Here’s another idea:  If you happen to win the fondue pot and you would rather take a road trip to Vermont to pick it up, I would be happy to treat you to a nice Vermont beer or two, while you’re in town.  Maybe you could film your road trip to Vermont on the quest for the French fondue pot and you could submit it to Sundance as an indie film?  Good idea, non?
  9. Since this contest is not sponsored by anyone but me, I reserve the right to make other rules for this contest if I realize that I’ve made a massive mistake in some way.

I promise, the winner of this contest will really get a fondue pot and some Nun Candy from me.

Good luck, Ma.

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a wine trance

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When we were young, the kids in my family would wait impatiently for the Sears Catalog to arrive in the mail around the holiday season.  As soon as the catalog arrived, my mother would sit us down with pens and pads of paper to make our lists of all the things we would like for Christmas.

Isn’t that nice?

I know what you’re thinking right now…………you’re thinking, “Wow.  You must have had an incredibly generous Santa in your life.  You were SO lucky!”

Don’t be fooled by the first part of that story.  In fact, we spent hours, if not days (and maybe even weeks), writing down detailed descriptions of every toy we wanted.  We made columns.  We wrote prices.  We wrote code numbers.  And year after year, we were very optimistic.

And each Christmas morning, we would run downstairs with visions of mountains of toys from Santa/Sears piled underneath our tree.  And every year the big man let us down.  It wasn’t that we didn’t get fabulous things for Christmas, but we NEVER got a single thing that we had chosen from our hours of work with the Sears Catalogue.  Not once.

Now you know where I inherited the ability to subtly torture my children.

This fall in France, when I received a giant wine catalog in the mail, I was immediately transported back in time to my days with the Sears Catalog.  I quickly found myself circling things in the catalog and feeling hopeful.  Then I realized that at this point in life, I am my own Santa Claus.  So rather than sitting around hoping, I got in the car to attend the annual wine sale at our massive supermarket.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I have very simple wine selection criteria.  I have only two requirements:  1) it must be under 5€,  and 2) it should have some sort of award seal on the bottle.  I know there are people who are much smarter than I am, and clearly there are those who know much more about wine than I do, so I choose to leave the big decisions to them.  If the smart wine judges give a decently priced bottle of wine an award, I buy the wine.

When I arrived at the wine sale, it was like a wonderland with crates of wine all over the massive center of the store.  I was wandering around in a daze as wine buyers in fancy suits and pointed shoes walked purposefully with their cellphones pressed to their ears.  Who were they buying wine for?  I have absolutely no idea, but I did my best to represent the low standard crowd with my wrinkled skirt and rounded shoes.

When it comes to buying things in France that I don’t know much about, I have developed one main strategy.  I find someone who looks like she (or he) knows what she is doing and I follow her around (at a safe distance) to see what she buys.  I am almost like an ape in that way, except I apply this tactic to decidedly un-apelike things like buying skin care products.  If there is a woman with really nice skin in the moisturizer aisle, you can bet that I’m trailing her.

I pulled out the dog-eared catalogue I had stuffed in my bag and I browsed nonchalantly while I waited to find someone to follow who was not wearing a suit.  Once I had identified my secret buying mentor, I walked slowly behind him watching what he was choosing.  In a few short minutes my cart seemed to be sufficiently full, and I deflected my buying mentor’s suspicious glances at me, by looking at my catalog whenever he turned around to give me the hairy eyeball.

After I finished loading up on wine, I walked by the bra section and I saw a familiar sight – French women grabbing handfuls of lacy bra and undies sets and tossing them into their carts like they were buying croissants.  Do they try them on?  No.  Do they fret about fit or comfort?  Apparently not, since this is a scene I have witnessed nearly every time I walk by the bra section.  And since I was living the spirit of France that day with a cart full of wine, I decided to toss in a few bras to top it off.

As I wandered back across the store, I go sidetracked by the home goods section (happens every time) and left my cart sitting in the middle of the dishware aisle.  After I was finished looking there, I went back to my cart and started pushing it to the other end of the store toward the checkout.

It wasn’t until I was nearly at the checkout that I heard a woman yelling behind me and I turned to look.  An elderly woman was hobbling quickly toward me.  She was saying something that I couldn’t exactly understand and I figured that she was speaking to the wrong person and began to turn around again.  That’s when I happened to glance down and I noticed that my cart was not filled with wine and bras, but rather with vacuum bags and yogurt.

I had accidentally taken the other woman’s cart and left the poor woman with a cart full of loot that appeared to be the weekly shopping trip for the brothel.

“Je suis très, très désolé, Madame.”

Sometimes I don’t get the language right, but I always know how to say “I’m sorry” correctly in French.  In fact, those are the words I speak the most on a daily basis.

As you now know, Santa really delivered this year – from a catalogue even!

For your added entertainment value, I thought I’d throw this in.  When we’re not buying wine, this is what we do in France for fun:

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Neuschwanstein Castle

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Following this blog must be a very frustrating experience.  I taunt you with sporadic posts about the many stories I have to tell you…………….and then I wait months to tell them to you. How annoying. Luckily the readership of this blog is so small that I am only annoying a small percentage of the world.  I’m truly sorry that you happen to be in that small percentage.

You may be happy to know that just because the blog has been silent, doesn’t mean there’s nothing going on. Au contraire! In fact, there are lots of things going on – so many in fact, that it’s hard to make the time to write it all down. You can sleep well tonight knowing that the story engine of my mind is chugging along. Or you can punch your computer knowing that the story engine is chugging and yet I give you nothing. It’s your choice completely.

Now back to the regularly scheduled programming.

Here is a story that I started writing months ago for you:

As we were travelling around Germany in the camping car this past summer, we had very little idea of where we would end up each night. However, after our stop at the nudie camp, we knew that there was nearly nothing we couldn’t handle.

One place that received glowing recommendations from a few friends was Neuschwanstein Castle, so we decided to point the bus in that direction. However, after a few nights on the road, we came to a couple of realizations:

Realization #1: The camping car is actually more like a clown car, since once you stop and unpack it, the stuff seems to literally explode out of the car. While we were driving, things seemed to fit neatly in their places, but once we stopped, the campsite became littered with tables, chairs, shoes, dirty laundry and wet towels, just so we could uncover our sleeping spaces for the night.

Realization #2: Once you have unpacked your clown car, you spend the rest of the time avoiding repacking it until you are ready to drive it away for good. That meant that we quickly started to adjust our camping car strategy from just driving around looking for random campsites, to driving around looking for random campsites that were within walking distance of something that we wanted to see. And that is how we ended up hiking to Neuschwanstein Castle rather than driving up to it.

When we arrived in the small town named Schwangau closest to the castle, we found a campsite within walking distance of the castle and managed to secure the last available spot. I’m pretty sure I even did a fist pump for joy when I emerged from the office with the site map aiming us toward the spot. And I may have even smirked a little bit as I walked past the line of camping cars also trying to get a space in this camping area.  I’m just glad those people in line didn’t witness the smirk getting wiped off my face by the realization that our campsite was located directly above the dumpster, which made things……um………….ripe when the wind was blowing in a certain direction.  Still, the stink was a small price to pay for the fact that everyone was wearing clothing at this campsite.

We figured out that a hike to the castle from our campsite would be about 12k (roughly 7.5 miles) one way and since we had completely the Rando with minimal drama, we imagined that the walk to Neuschwanstein Castle wouldn’t be so bad. Additionally, Map Man (aka Tim), found us a route up the back side of the giant mountain to the castle, so we wouldn’t have to go on the average road where all the normal people walk. It’s clear that being normal is something we try to avoid.

The next morning, we got up at the crack of dumpster stink, to start our journey. We packed a lunch, filled up our water bottles and started off. The first 5 miles went fine as we hiked through farm land with cute German cows all over the landscape. We thought we were home free when we finally arrived at the base of the mountain, since we could see the castle perched on top and we knew in less than a couple of miles we’d be there.

That’s when Owen noticed a sign at the base of the mountain, which read, “Ticket Office” with an arrow pointing the other way. He pointed it out to me saying, “Don’t you think we should go that way? It says that the Ticket Office is over there.”

The logic of following clear signage always seems so mundane, doesn’t it?  Where is the adventure in that?  Instead, I said, “We don’t need to go to the Ticket Office. We’ll just buy our tickets at the top.”

What happened next is best described in pictures:

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We climbed up and up on a thin metal bridge bolted to the side of a giant wall of boulders.  It was high.  There was a rushing river below.  It seemed to take forever.  Owen realized he had a slight fear of heights.  This was not a great moment.  Eamon, however, loved every minute of being very close to death.

When we got to the top, we were treated with amazing views like this:

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And we got to see the castle looming above us as we sat down to eat our picnic lunch, feeling smug that we had walked 12k with nary a whine, we overcame a death-defying metal bridge trek, and we finally made it to the top.

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Except then Tim noticed a sign that said “No Admittance to the Castle Without Tickets.”  No problem.  There was surely a ticket booth at the top, no?  I mean, what kind of country would be so organized that all the tickets would be sold in only one place?

Did I mention, we were traveling in GERMANY?  Did I also mention that GERMANY is bailing out multiple European countries from debt because of its extremely ORGANIZED and well run government?

Here’s a story shocker:  THE TICKET BOOTH WAS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN!  AND I KNOW THAT WHEN I TYPE IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS, IT SEEMS LIKE I’M YELLING!  BECAUSE I AM!

In fact, the ticket booth is right at the bottom of the hill on the front side where all the “normal” people walk up.

Dear reader, could you have anticipated that ending?  I sincerely hope not because that would mean that my common sense is virtually non-exsistant.  And a parent with no common sense is………….well, actually, I’m pretty sure that’s called “reality TV.”

In case you were wondering, a giant pack of gummy bears makes a walk down a giant mountain much easier.

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And when you get to the bottom and find out that the tickets are sold out for that day, there is nothing like a game of German mini-golf to appease your utterly frustrated children.  The cigarette butts under the score card just add some additional spice to the flavor of the day.

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ps- You’ll be happy to know we made it in to the castle the next day.  That time, we left the clown car at the campsite and took the town bus.

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